


A Cold Loneliness

by Sarah_P42



Series: Eruri for the Soul [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Feels, Heartache, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) Has Feelings, Loneliness, Loss, M/M, Suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 08:53:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14516871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sarah_P42/pseuds/Sarah_P42
Summary: SPOILERS FOR AOT MANGAThey had won. Finally, they had won. But at what cost? Had the price been worth the outcome?





	A Cold Loneliness

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS FOR THE AOT MANGA (THE SHIGANSHINA ARC)! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

Levi’s footsteps were hollow, his heartbeats were empty. The world around him was distant, like he was looking at it through a glass window. This couldn’t be reality. He couldn’t believe this was real. 

 

Ever since that crushing moment, Levi had felt… empty. Like something important was missing, and no matter how much he tried to shake that feeling, it came back and haunted him. 

 

_ No, there’s nothing missing. Everything is as it should be.  _

 

But Levi’s rage-filled stubbornness couldn’t change the past. Even he knew that. 

 

It was true that they had recovered Shiganshina four days ago, and they now knew so much they hadn’t before. But at what cost?

 

Erwin would’ve said the cost would’ve been worth the outcome. But Levi hadn’t been okay with what he had paid. 

 

Despite the room being filled to the brink with bodies and chatter, it was quieter, emptier than usual. Levi was cold all over, and he felt so exposed, so alone that he wanted to curl up into the corner, or even scream out in rage at everyone around him. 

 

He could hear people talk to him, and he would reply, although there were subtle differences from his usual behaviour. Only certain people would be able to pick up on these queues and know that something was bothering Levi. Other people just thought that everything was normal.

 

The days went by like a trance. Levi felt like he was floating, and the tether keeping him grounded was suddenly snapped and gone. He wasn’t sure how long he could stay in blissful repudiation - the painful void was becoming more obvious and more powerful every second.

 

By the time Levi was home, alone in his too-big house with nothing in it, he was so tired and absent that he couldn’t remember walking into his room and sitting at his desk. He still had paperwork to finish before he had dinner and went to bed. 

 

He picked up the piece of parchment, dressed in fine black ink and immaculate handwriting, and scanned it over. He could read the words, and process them too, but everything still felt odd, like the universe itself was crooked.

 

Levi actually finished the work fairly quickly, and made himself dinner - a simple meal of chicken soup. He would’ve opted for some whiskey, but he had drank it all a couple days ago. He poured out two bowls of soup and placed them at the table, each on an opposite end. While he was slowly grazing his serving, the other grew cold with no one to eat it. Levi knew no one was there with him, but it had become such a habit to make two servings of whatever he ate for dinner. 

 

The cold soup at the other end of the table tickled at the dark corner of his mind, and Levi forced himself to only look at his own soup. 

 

He washed the dishes, as he usually did, and decided to head straight to bed. When he walked into his room again, he saw how cluttered his desk was and cursed himself for leaving it in such a state. Levi organized all his papers, his ink pens, his notebooks, placing them either in drawers or neat piles on his desk.

 

Then Levi saw something under a stack of files, and he had wished that he had never organized his desk. 

 

It was Erwin’s emerald bolo tie. 

 

Levi’s eyes begged to look elsewhere, but he just couldn’t. The thing looked silly, just sitting there without anyone to wear it. He remembered how Erwin would ask Levi to clean it for him, saying that Levi always made everything spotless. Levi would always oblige, and Erwin never once let people see his bolo tie anything short of gleaming.

 

The bolo tie was now covered in dust, unkept and discarded.

 

The sight tore at Levi, and his heart started to sink far down into a deep pit. He should really clean it… but… who would wear it?

 

Levi sank to his knees, warm tears forming in the ducts of his eyes and flowing down his cheeks. Small sobs escaped his lips and he gripped the leg of the chair, anything to keep him attached to the real world. 

 

This bolo tie was useless now. 

 

Now that its’ owner was gone. 

 

The harsh pain in Levi’s chest was like a series of drawn out explosions - constant, consistent, intense and devastating. The tears were warm as they slid down his cheeks, down his jaw and falling onto his thighs. 

 

“Why did you leave?” he quietly asked. “Why?” Levi’s voice was soft, frail and broken. 

 

No one answered. He let out another sob. 

 

Now, in that moment, weeping on his knees before Erwin’s abandoned bolo tie, Levi had truly never felt more alone. The silence closed around him like it was a physical presence, heavy with sorrow and emptiness. It was cold and unnatural without Erwin around, which only made Levi feel even more desolate and forlorn. 

 

His sobs filled the barren room, and he wrapped his arms around himself. He was so cold all of sudden, but it didn’t have anything to do with the temperature of the room. Realizing that Erwin, who had always been so warm and comforting, wasn’t there, and was never going to come back again, Levi grew colder, more frozen. 

 

It was as if the warmth and completeness had left along with Erwin, and as he wept on the floor, Levi wondered if he would ever feel warm and whole again.


End file.
